My only goal in this is to inform, support and empower individuals to protect themselves and others. I have to use humor and Wu-Tang or this would just be too much, so prepare accordingly.
Where do we go from here? Tools, and preparation. Plan, plan, plan. When conversations that are supposed to be or are initiated in the context of work or your profession and it turns to sex, any of the other afore mentions off limit areas...or any area of your personal like that you do not want to discuss. Reject the premise of the statement or question and pivot.
You say, “What does this look like, Carey? I will give you an example from my own life.
Circus Arts and Acrobatics is only one of many industries I have worked in but the problems are seemly universal. While working as a supervisor at a boutique hotel in FL, my new manager walked into the kitchen and said in front of several staff members, “How do you keep that body so hot, girl?!” I was stunned, and responded “I workout a lot.” I walked back up front into the dinning room, at that point a cook came out from the kitchen and said “did that really just happen?” To which, I replied “it sure did, and that was weird, right?”. I turned around and went back into the kitchen where the manager was still standing and stated loud and calmly, “That was an inappropriate way to speak to me, do not do it again.” He responded: “Its ok, I’m gay.” I said, “I don’t care what you are, no one speaks about my body that way.” Even in my mid 30’s it took me a solid 5 mins for the comment to sink in, and another person who witnessed it to verify its outrageousness in my own mind.
For you this could be a potential or current employers, teachers, coaches, clients, co- workers, or audience members.
“You look really sexy in that costume, are you seeing anyone?”
“You should show me how flexible you are later...”
“We should grab a drink after work and talk about other opportunities.” Or any number of other escalating sexual advances or comments.
A few of my favorite responses:
“I don’t see how that is relevant to the job?”
“That is not an appropriate way to speak with a professional.”
“I do not care to engage in this conversation, it is inappropriate.”
“Do not speak to me like that.”
“That is not an appropriate topic.”
“I do not speak about my private life.”
And my personal favorite...”Fuck off, you fucking scumbag creep.”
Or any combination of my notoriously creative and crass language skills.
Dealers choice, those are your boundaries to set.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t always work and there is no shame in not feeling confident to speak up, we’ve all been there. Do what’s right for you. We work in an over sexualized industry, it becomes hard to navigate when people only see your value as a physical commodity. I’m at a place now in my life where I don’t care anymore how many creeps’ feelings I hurt or the work that I lose because of it, thats not the work I want anyway and if that’s why I was hired then fuck you too.
Next Step...Plan your own logistics and travel. This means knowing and embracing your boundaries, for me this means having a prepared contract with specifics stating your rates and that they include travel and logistics and you will be in charge of your own accommodations. I grew up and currently live in a place where ride sharing is spotty at best and can not be counted on for transportation. Cabs either, I think we have 5 total in town, and they aren’t just right around the corner like in a city. It's below zero in the winter and 10 mins in any direction and you are in dark dense woods. There are still many places in the United States, not to mention worldwide where cell phones do not get reception and can not be counted on in an emergency.
Add the cost of your lodging and transportation into your price so that you can control your surrounding as best as possible. Even if it's an Air b&b or other sharing accommodations, ask as many questions as you need or want, for example:
Where is the event? How will I get there and home? Who else is there? Are you alone with strangers? Who else knows where you are? Where am I changing? Who else will have access to that area? Is that a private area? Do you have enough money for an emergency exit if necessary? Do you have a buddy that can come with for security?
Reach out to friends and peers who have worked for this employer before or with the people you will be in close quarters with. Ask for advice and express concerns, and for fuck sake listen! No one wants to believe the terrible things, but it doesn’t make them untrue and thinking it just won’t happen to you is naive and unsafe. Also, just because that wasn’t your experience with an individual, if someone does report something assult-y to you listen, and do not down play the seriousness of their experience. Like the supreme court said about pornography, “you know it when you see it.” Sexual assault, harassment and gender based violence is the same in my opinion, I know it because I’ve seen it, heard it and experienced it.
With love and many knives,
Carey